Two years ago I was with a man whom I thought was the love of my life. I met him at a wedding of a co-worker and he was the best man. I didn't know it, but everyone else had told him about me and it was a secret set up on their part. I met him and was smitten instantly. We were inseparable the rest of the night and well into the after party. I awoke early too anxious to hear from him and when I did, I asked him out to coffee before he had to make a long, three day trip back to Oklahoma, where he was from. Four days later I jumped on a plane and flew down to spend Labor Day weekend with him. It was a leap of faith, one that I never in a million years would have seen coming, but something I felt I had to do. You see this particular summer I had attended a total of 7 weddings and was beginning to wonder when it was my turn. When did I get the happy ending? When was it my turn to wear a pretty white dress and marry the man of my dreams? So when I met Dan, I thought that dreams maybe do come true.
The trip to Oklahoma was one of mixed emotions. I hated the state, but was falling hard and fast for Dan. I loved his confidence, his funny quirky sense of humor, and his ability to set me free. He made me feel like I was the only one in the entire world that mattered. Our relationship turned serious very quickly and within weeks we were saying those three little words that I refuse to throw around lightly. They're sacred to me. We began talking about marriage and children. We looked at rings and talked about where we'd live, and how we'd raise our children. It literally was everything I ever wanted...except for the fact that I lived in Washington, and he lived in Oklahoma. It was an intense relationship filled with extreme highs, and low lows. My family didn't see the man I saw. My friends tried to see the man I saw. His family saw someone strong, and stable and loving...the one for him. I tried to believe he was the man with everything I wanted. Sooner rather than later, I began to notice red flags but I tried to convince myself that it would be ok. It wasn't. I began to realize that I needed out of the relationship, and after 9 months, I did just that. I ended it, and broke his heart, and mine at the same time. I broke his because he needed someone in his life to make him feel loved and I ripped that away from him. I broke my own heart because I ripped out from under me the one thing I wanted more than anything...to be a wife and mother. I was ok. Sure I was sad, and lost, but I moved on. I was happy to be "free" again and not have the burden of his problems weighing on my shoulders and ultimately I was happy knowing that I didn't make a mistake.
4 months after our relationship ended I found out that he had gotten married. 4 MONTHS!!! This shot me into a complete downfall of depression. I was NOT ok. I was a mess. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't stop crying. I felt as if the universe was out to get me. Why me? Why did I deserve to go through this? I sought out counseling because I knew it wasn't something that I could fix on my own and after a few months, I began to heal. I don't think I'm 100% there, and probably won't be until someone shows me what true love really is. But I'm close. I know that I deserve better. I know that I dodged a major bullet by not marrying him, and I know that he couldn't have made me happy.
I write all of this because I have a friend who's boyfriend broke up with her 2 months ago after a 6 year relationship. I see her in a state of depression which has taken her into the world of cigarettes, pot and alcohol to ease her pain. She doesn't care about herself, and thinks that HE is what makes her complete. She thinks that she'll never love again, and doesn't believe in love. Everytime she calls me I hesitate to answer because I know it's going to be a long conversation about him, and how miserable she is. I don't want to hang out with her one-on-one for the same reasons. I feel terrible about this and know that I need to be there for her, but I can't handle it. I can't handle how she isn't helping herself. How she can sit there and email him and tell him how much she is hurting, and expect him to come running back to her. She is sabotaging herself and I can't sit here and watch her do it. It's driving me crazy and I don't know what to do. I want to help her so badly. I then begin to wonder. Was I this bad? Did I do the same things? Were my friends and family annoyed with me??
I just pray that there begins to be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel for her. I know there was for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment